The Misadventures of Me

Trophy cat

2005-02-02T13:58:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't written anything in my blog lately. I have been busy with my novel. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been busy writing a novel, I've been busy reading one. Actually it isn't a novel exactly. It's more of a popup book...a dinosaur popup book...they move when you pull the different tabs...which is why it's been taking me so long to get through it...LOOK! it's not important what I've been up to, what's important is that I've finally had a some time to blog (yes, blog is a verb now). And I promise to put more things in my blog until my "Bird of the Northeast" popup book comes in the mail.

Anyway, have you ever noticed that pets, cats in particular, are a lot like a trophy wife? I was noticing this the other day. I work during the day, but my cat doesn't. The problem is that I don't think she does anything but sleep and eat. She doesn't dust or vacuum or clean up (except for the play mice that she puts in the closet). This is an actual conversation that I had with her the other day (I translated her part):

Me: "You know I work all day and pay for everything around here. "
Cat: -blank state- ("So? ")

Me: "I was thinking that you could help out around here."
Cat: "Meow" ("what in the world are you talking about?")

Me: "You could do the laundry while I'm at work."
Cat: "Meow" ("I'm not doing the laundry! I don't even wear clothes. I have a nice fur coat that I wear around. I can't help it if you don't have one.")

Me: "How about cleaning up around here?"
Cat "Meow" ("I already have a job and that is to look cute. You're just jealous because you can't get a job looking cute")

Me: "You don't have to get nasty"
Cat: -starts licking her front paw- (giving me the middle finger)

At least that is what I think her answers were since I don't speak "feline". Then she batted her eyes at me, walked over to the sunny spot on the carpet, and laid down. I would kick her out, but she is really cute.

Testing...

2004-12-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

I picked up a new shampoo at the store today. When I got home, I noticed that it says "This product not tested on animals" on the back. What did they test this on? Did they at least test it on people? Or am I the guinea pig? Am I supposed to use it and if my hair falls out, I just call them and let them know?

"uh...hi...uh...all my hair came out...well most of it...what?...yes, I rinsed and repeated...what? no just once...you're going to send me a free bottle when they finish tweaking the formula? but my most of my hair is gone...oh, I should use the new formula and call if the rest falls out..."

There has to be a better way. I needed a volunteer and I knew who would do it for me; my loyal cat. She didn't actually volunteer. I asked and she didn't say "No". So the plan was to shampoo her and wait and see if her hair falls out. If not, I'm good to go.

I put her in the tub, got the shampoo ready, and turned on the water. This is where things went bad...real bad. It became very clear, very quickly that it was past time to have her nails cut. She became this whirlwind of fur and small ginsu knives. I just dove out of the way as the wet cat missle launched itself out of the bathroom.

So what did I learn from my foray into animal testing? Water is really bad for you especially when you are near an animal that doesn't like it. As for the shampoo, I don't know, but I can see why they didn't use animal testing.

Just don't ask

2004-12-01T17:22:00.000-08:00

So I decided to get an artificial Christmas tree this year, one with the lights already on it. Mostly because when it comes to Christmas I'm a lazy ass. I would pay someone else wrap my gifts, but I'm more of a cheap ass than a lazy ass. Don't get me wrong I don't skimp on gifts. Last year I got everyone a pen AND pencil set instead of just the pen. It cost twice as much, but it was worth it. Thank God for the Dollar store. I would have went to the 99¢ store, but like I said, I don't skimp on gifts.

Anyway, I go to the Xmas store with all the trees and talk to the sales guy. I don't have much storage in my house so I had to make sure I had some place to put it the rest of the year.

Me: "so how big is the tree when you take apart?"
SG: "it fits into a small car"

Huh? Is "small car" a new English unit of measure? 1 small car = 2.31 hogshead?

Me: "I need to know if I can store it, so how big is it when you take it apart?"
SG: "It fit back into it's original box"

We are standing around a bunch of trees with no boxes anywhere near us. Let's try this again.

Me: "And how big is that?"
SG: -holding his hand 3ft above the floor- "About this tall"

No width? No depth? A 3 dimensional tree fits into a 1 dimensional box? I would pay to see that. Then it occurred to me. This man was given special training by the CIA to not only give as little information as possible during questioning, but to also cause headaches and confusion to the person asking the questions.

Me: -blank face-
SG: "Like I said it will fit in my car and it's small"

I ran from the store with my hands on my head to keep it from exploding.

Face-X

2004-11-20T14:38:00.000-08:00

I was going to put Rain-X® on my car. The first part of the instructions reads "Clean and thoroughly dry surfaces before treating. Apply in temperatures above 40 deg.F. Turn sprayer nozzle to spray/on position, pointing away from face." Yep, 'pointing away from face'. Do they really need to tell people this?

"Let's see, I turn the nozzle to On and ‹spray›...Ahhhhh my face!! it burns! it burns!"

Well at least the tears will roll right off the face.

The mother what?

2004-11-13T07:57:00.000-08:00

After watching the Sunday night game between Baltimore and Cleveland, there was a question about how the Cleveland Browns got their name. Few people realize that they were named after Paul Brown (the first coach). I wonder what it would be like if more pro teams were named after people. What cool names could be used?

For me, I think it would have been great if the founder of Smuckers had bought a team and named it after his mom. Then the team would have been called the "Mother Smuckers". While watching them play you could scream:

"I can't believe that MotherSmucker dropped the ball!" and "Why can't those MotherSmuckers win a game!"

The best part is that it wouldn't get bleeped on TV.

Daylight Savings

2004-10-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

I think Daylight Saving Time is an amazing thing. Once a year on a weekend in the Fall at 2am you get to move your clock back and relive an hour of your life. I always figured that if you are going to make a mistake if your life that is the best time to do it so you can correct it the next time around.

For example:
At 1:30am you call up your significant other and end up saying something to make them mad (or the fact that you call them at 1:30 in the morning made them mad). At 2am when you turn your clock back to 1, the phone call never happened! If they are still mad at you in the morning, just say "I don't know what you're talking about. That happened on the other time line".

Fun size?

2004-10-28T17:56:00.000-07:00

As Halloween approaches, I keep seeing the small "fun size" candy bars that people hand out to children. Why are they called "fun size" if they're small? How is something being smaller more fun? Just imagine if this technique was used elsewhere:

guy drops pants
girl: "hmmm, that's awful small"
guy: "it's not small, it's fun size!"
girl: "well since you put it that way..."

The Omen

2004-10-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

So I was watching the Omen movies on TV the other night (yes, I have no life). Damien had superpowers he could use to gain power with. His powers included:

1) having people go crazy just by looking at them
2) controlling animals with his mind
3) causing cave-ins and accidents from half the world away

The poor monks sent to kill him didn't have any powers at all. They just seem to be canon fodder in this religious battle. The only good guy that had powers was Jesus, but Damien showed up 2,000 years too late to face him. For comparison, Jesus's powers included:

1) turning water into wine (good for parties)
2) healing people
3) resurrection (cool, but you have to die first)

So, I was thinking that all this isn't bad. A lot more than me since I was born without any cool super powers :( But lets compare their powers to someone like superman. His powers included:

1) heat vision
2) super speed
3) super strength
4) can fly

These are very cool and very useful powers. The question is since Jesus had such good connections, why didn't he get better powers? At minimum he should have been able to fly. Just think of the possibilities!

Cat TV

2004-10-06T18:21:00.000-07:00

So for some reason my cat likes to watch my toilet when I flush it. She stands up and looks over the bowl and watches the water goes around. It like TV for my cat. I went and put in a blue toilet cleaner in the tank, so now my cat has a color TV.

A thought about deer

2004-09-26T10:41:00.000-07:00

A friend mentioned that deer get hit by cars because they are blinded by the headlights. So I'm thinking a deer is standing in the road. He looks up, see a bright light coming at him and just stands there looking at it. He gets hit by the car and is killed. So the question is: When he's dead and he sees the bright light does he think "Oh no, I'm not falling for that again!"

Doctors and Dating

2004-08-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

So back to the doctor I go to give him an update:

Doc: "How did it go?"

Me: "Have you seen the MA over there? She really cute"

Doc: "I bet she gets hit on all the time"...Slight pause as he looks at me..."you didn't hit on her did you?"

OK, so I had thought about hitting on her. What better time to hit on a woman than when she has already seen what you have to offer? But there are two good reasons not to date a woman that checks hernias for a living. 1) At some point she may see a penis she likes even better and she dumps you. 2) After looking at penises all day that is the last thing she will want to see when she gets home and that is usually the first thing I want to show my girlfriend when she comes through the door.

Actually, the real reason I didn't hit on her was that I didn't want to anger her. I think it was Socrates that once said "Don't make a woman mad when she has your balls in her hands".

How I lost the last of my virginity

2004-08-03T07:43:00.000-07:00

I had been having problems with my kidneys. It had been going on for a few months, so my doctor sent me to the urologist. It takes months to see the urologist, so in order to get in quickly I got an appointment with the medical assistant. Today was my appointment. I was sitting in the waiting room, when the door opened and I heard my name called. I looked up and an attractive dark haired, dark eyed woman was standing there. At first I thought she was the receptionist, but as we walked into the examination room I realized she was the medical assistant.

After brief overview of the problem, she said she was going to need to check for a hernia and examine my prostate. I think there are 3 phrases that warns a guy that he needs to run or he is going to get molested.

1) Hey little boy would like some candy.

2) Mr. Jackson would like you to visit him at the Neverland ranch.

3) I will need to check your prostate.

I had just heard number 3 and my brain screams for me to run, but I'm in a lot of pain. She sat down on a chair and asked me to come over and drop my pants. Normally walking up to a beautiful woman with her head at waist level and dropping my pants would be a very good thing and would cause a reaction. A type of reaction that would be embarrassing in that situation. Luckily, the pain I was in prevented anything from happening. While she went to work, I turned my head to the side did my best to think about baseball. I was afraid to look down to watch her because I knew I would get aroused and end up poking her in the eye.

That was the fun part, but now came the prostate examine. I know that some guys would pay a lot of money to have a woman do this done to them, but I've never had anything put up my butt and was hoping to keep it that way. "Now bend over that table". That is the extend of the prostate examine foreplay. She lubed up and I was past the point of no return. The last of my virginity was gone. I don't know what it is supposed to be like, but it hurt like hell. I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't see back there, but it felt like she was used her whole arm to reach up there to touch the kidneys instead of just using a finger.

Afterward, she threw me a box of tissues, told me to clean up, and walked out. Next time, I think I want dinner first.